


The Great Divide Chapter 7: Home

by Antigravity_Carnivore



Series: The Great Divide [7]
Category: Breaking Benjamin (Band), STARSET (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - Space, Angst, Computers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F.E.C., Gay, Gay Male Character, Heavy Angst, Homosexuality, M/M, Pain, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 09:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11250585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antigravity_Carnivore/pseuds/Antigravity_Carnivore
Summary: Dustin Bates awakes from the drug induced sleep to find himself someplace unexpected, dealing with memories that he thought were dead and buried.





	The Great Divide Chapter 7: Home

The Great Divide: Chapter 7 HOME 

I felt my body being moved slightly and every nerve inside screamed out in pain and agony. I tried to will my eyes to open, but the drug induced state of disorientation would only allow me to get them open slightly. There was a sudden burst of light over me, searing into my pupils and I flinched, instinctively closing them. I could feel cold hands touching me, prodding and poking and the hushed tone of voices. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, it sounded far off and distant. In the distance I could hear the crash of the ocean waves, and feel the gentle touch of the salty air hit my face. My body rested in the warm, soft sand of the beach, cradling it as such with a soothing comfort that I never wanted to leave. Suddenly, my eyes were forced open by prying fingers and the light shoved into my face again, I cursed and tried to turn away, but I found that my neck wouldn’t move. In a panic, I tried to reach up and found that my arms were tied down with black straps, as were my legs as well, preventing me from moving. I couldn’t move at all. I struggled in protest and I felt hands holding me down. “He’s coming around! Mr. Bates, please do not move.”

Still struggling, I managed to lift my head slightly to look around. I was on a beach, it was familiar, I’ve been here before, I know this place. There were several paramedics gathered around me and the sounds of sirens were echoing loudly off the rocks. “Where… where am I?”

“You’re still on the beach by your home, Mr. Bates. You lost your footing and fell a considerable distance during a video shoot up on the rocky crag, but you’re going to be okay. You are in good hands, just relax and let us take care of you.” The paramedic spoke with a soothing tone as he forced me back down onto the stretcher. My mind raced… I was home? How could this be? I remained motionless, not for their sake but for my own. I was lost in thought. Brock had injected me with something, he said it was a sedative, was he lying? Where was he? Was this all just some sort of hallucination? I closed my eyes for a moment and inhaled, taking in the cool night air into my lungs and trying to clear my head. I could feel the wind on my face, hear the seagulls calling for their dinner, and feel each touch of the paramedics as they shoved needles into my skin. It was all too real. 

The paramedics started talking to me again, but I tuned them out, and soon I felt them lift me up off the ground on the stretcher. My eyes shot open, as I thought I was going to fall, but those black straps made sure that I was securely tied down and completely motionless. As they started to walk with me slowly to the ambulance, I glanced around to the see the sun setting on the horizon. It had a beautiful amber glow that left all bits of broken fence and beach around it silhouetted in thick, black shapes, it reminded me somewhat of an album cover I had seen once before. I tore my gaze off the sunset and stared, wide eyed at the sight in front of me. There, standing near the back of the ambulance, was Ron and Adam, looking haggard and pale. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I wanted to reach out and touch them, to make sure that they were real, but the paramedics hurried me past them and secured me inside with haste. “Wait! Wait!” I called out, surprised by the sound of my own desperate voice. 

“Please Mr. Bates. Do not move. We don’t know the extent of your injuries yet. Try to keep calm, if you don’t I will be forced to sedate you.”

I heard a voice call from outside. “Don’t do that. Let me ride along, he’ll calm down.” The paramedic nodded and I felt the vehicle move slightly as Ron climbed in and sat on the little bench next to me. He had a worried expression on his face, his eyes full of care and concern the likes of I had never seen before. Reaching down, he took hold of my hand and grasped it tightly. I could see just vaguely that there were lines of dried blood that ran between each of the knuckles of my hand. I knew it was mine. He flashed me an uneasy smile. “Hey just relax man, you’re going to be okay. Do what they say and stop being such an asshole. We’re going to get you taken care of.” He laughed. Good old Ron, he would always find a way to lighten a situation. 

I looked at him curiously. “Ron, what’s going on? How did I get here?” 

Before he could answer, the paramedics quickly piled in around us and slammed the doors shut behind them. The siren turned on and the ambulance pulled off the beach in a matter of seconds. I could feel the slight shift from left to right as they dodged traffic, moving in and out of the lanes with ease. I looked to him for answers, but he was being uncharacteristically quiet. Ron sat, still as a rock holding onto my hand, refusing to let it go even as they tried to take my pulse. There was something in his eyes there that I had never seen before, a part of him that seemed to be holding onto me for dear life, as if I was going to slip away. What had made him so fierce in his devotion? I looked around the ambulance at all the medical devices, and recognized all of them. I was no longer on some far away planet in the future which was being ravaged by war; there were no Carnivores or F.E.C. members here, just me and Ron. His hand was all the proof I needed that this was my reality. 

The rest of the ride was silent, except for the endless banter of the paramedics as they tried to triage my injuries. I wanted to talk to Ron, to find out what was going on. I needed to hear him speak to me, but he wasn’t going to cooperate, not as long as my health was at stake, so I resigned myself to just going along with it. In a matter of minutes we arrived at the hospital and were forced apart so that I could be treated for my injuries. The nurses wheeled me into an exam room where I was stripped naked and examined from head to toe. Surprisingly, except for two lacerations on my head caused by crashing into tree branches as I fell, there were no real injuries. No crushed bones, no internal bleeding, nothing but a scratch or two from falling over 40 feet from a cliff. Apparently the sand had absorbed the entire shock from my body, leaving me only temporarily knocked unconscious. I struggled to remember the last moments, but everything was hazy, dim and disjointed. My confusion worried the doctor, who insisted that I remain in observation at least overnight as a precaution. I couldn’t argue with him, I needed time to figure things out. I resigned myself to his wishes and soon a room was prepared for me. As I was being wheeled in, I looked at my nurse, who did not have the same cheerful demeanor as Lizzie did. I missed Lizzie, and I couldn’t help but to wonder what had become of her, or any of them for that matter. The sudden thought crossed my mind that maybe they didn’t exist. I felt worn out and exhausted, particles of sand still hung to my skin and were irritating me, all I wanted to do was clean myself off and sleep. Stopping the wheelchair in front of the bed, I pointed towards the shower as she turned down the bed and set up the IV pole carefully in place. “Would it be possible for me to take a shower before I get settled in?” I asked. 

She shot me a look of utter defiance and pointed toward the bed. “No. You’re not to be on your feet tonight at all Mr. Bates. You’ve had a head wound, so we don’t know how badly your brain has been damaged. Being left unattended in there would be ill advised. A shower is completely out of the question; however a sponge bath would be acceptable if you like.” 

I frowned at her cross tone and sighed, crawling up onto the bed. She definitely did not have a very nice bedside manner. All of this felt familiar. “No, thank you, I’ll just clean up tomorrow when I get out of here.” I replied and leaned back onto the pillows, still trying to sort things out in my head. 

She nodded to me and finished setting up my room, handing me the call button and giving me specific instructions about not leaving the bed unless a nurse was with me. Due to my confusion and disorientation, they suspected that I had some sort of brain trauma, and the way my head felt, I was pretty sure that they were right. After getting me settled in, the nurse made her way over to the door and paused, speaking to someone outside with a hushed, low tone. I tried to listen, but the background noise from the hall made it almost impossible. A few moments passed and she left, shutting the door quietly behind me and I closed my eyes, ready to receive the welcoming darkness and try to figure things out. Eventually I fell into a fitful sleep, in which I was treated to a series of several terrifying dreams and nightmares, of Thomas assaulting Benjamin over and over which I quickly woke up from in a fit of screaming and sweating. 

Not wanting to go back to sleep, I sat up in bed and gazed out the window, watching the cars pass by outside with dull interest. It was still early evening and everyone out there driving by knew where they were going, they knew the path that led them home and knew what was waiting for them when they arrived. I was envious. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I couldn’t wrap my head around what had happened. The doctors and nurses didn’t elaborate, and there seemed to be large, missing gaps in my memories that I couldn’t seem to fill. Thomas, the F.E.C., the futuristic world was all a delusion in my own mind, it had to be. The events of the past several months, with the band, with Benjamin, everything was there, I could remember it all, but what was missing was the key piece to the puzzle, the explanation how I got here which was missing. 

There was a sharp knock on the door and it opened a bit. Ron peered in from the hall. “Hey man, they said you were sleeping so we went and got some food. Thought that we’d stop in and check on you before heading home, are you up for a visit?” He was holding an extra-large cup of coffee and looked really tired, dressed in his flight suit for some odd reason, but I was so happy to see him in any condition. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Get in here; I have a lot of questions that need answers.” 

Flashing a smile at me, he pulled the door open and came in, pulling a chair over backwards and straddling it, it was great to see his face and have some friendly company. Adam followed him in, with his hands shoved in his pockets and leaned against the wall casually; he too looked a little worse for wear. It was obvious that they had been hanging out at the hospital all day, waiting for news on me. I started to say something to greet them, but then my eyes went to the sudden movement at the door and I lost all words. There, standing in the entrance was Brock. I couldn’t tear my eyes off of him. He was standing there, with the same silly smile on his face that I remembered so well. I fought so hard not to burst into tears. I looked to him, into his eyes and saw the bright, brilliant light there that he once had so long ago, that pure innocence and trust that was so rare to find in a person. Everything was there that I had once taken from him. I threw off the sheet covering me and tried to stand up, but my body wasn’t quite ready yet for such physical exertion and I felt my knees giving out underneath me. Ron was at my side instantly, sliding his arms underneath me and catching me before I hit the floor.

“Dustin, I don’t think you’re going anywhere yet man.” He laughed and helped me get back into bed. I glanced over to Adam for a moment who was watching me with interest. 

Slipping back into the bed, I watched as everyone made themselves comfortable in the room and I looked from each of them, one at a time, not quite believing what I was seeing. I couldn’t tear my eyes off of Brock. He was alive. They were all here. “Alright, someone’s got to explain exactly what happened to me, because I am having a hard time dealing with this and quite frankly if I don’t get some answers soon, I think they are going to have to put me back in the mental ward.”

Adam gave me a strange stare. “Back in the mental ward? Dustin, since when were you ever in the looney bin? Are you keeping secrets from us man, come on, fess up!”

Now I was really getting confused, and my head started to hurt. I let out a sigh and Brock came to sit on the corner of my bed, placing his hand on my leg in comfort. His touch was light as a feather and his fingertips like air on my skin. I watched as he turned his wrist slightly with the most subtle movements and readjusted his welcoming touch so it wouldn’t seem inappropriate. “How much do you remember?” he asked, speaking with that soft, melodic tone that I absolutely loved. 

I ran my fingers through my hair. I didn’t know what to tell them. How much of what I had locked away inside my brain was truth and how much was fiction now? Everything was starting to jumble together and I couldn’t pinpoint which reality was the right one now. If I said too much, they would think me crazy and I’d be locked up for certain, and all I wanted to do was get out of here. I remembered the paramedic telling me I fell, I decided to stick with the small bit of facts that had already been given to me, even though I had a completely different recollection of what happened, I knew it couldn’t be true. How could I tell them that I willingly jumped off a cliff because I felt guilt for raping and murdering Brock when he was right here in front of me? Telling them that the fall resulted in me landing in a futuristic utopian world ruled by a cruel bunch of blood thirsty tyrants was probably a bad idea too. Falling, yes…I would stick with that and try to piece it all together. “I.. fell? I think… I don’t know, it’s sort of hard to remember.” I lied. 

Ron chimed in. “We were up on the cliffs above the beach house, filming a music video. You said that you wanted to shoot up there because of the scenery and the really nice view of the ocean. Which I thought was a bad idea, but no one ever listens to me.” He made a angry face and then started pouting. 

Adam snorted, fumbling with the loose change in his pocket. “We tried to talk you out of it, but since you always insist, we didn’t put up too much of a fight. Always got to be a perfectionist and have things your way.”

“And so far, everything we’ve done had been pretty successful so far, he hasn’t led us astray yet, Adam. Dustin produces results and doesn’t let us down. Don’t be too hard on him.” Brock added with a cheesy, open smile. God, how much did I want to reach over and kiss that man? 

Ron continued. “Anyway, we were shooting up on the cliffs and really getting into the music, filming a long shot of the entire band and I happen to turn around right at the moment where you got too close to the edge and the ground gave way, sending you over the edge. It was terrifying. I watched you fall, we all did. We thought you were dead. We dropped the gear and ran down to the bottom; I don’t think that I’ve ever run that fast in my entire life. I found you down there, blood on your face, unconscious, not responding, it was the worst feeling ever.”

“No one knows how you managed to survive the fall. We thought you cracked your head open.” Adam added. Usually being the one to jump to conclusions and make hasty decisions, he was being uncharacteristically calm and level headed. “They are saying that some of the tree branches helped to slow your descent, which would explain the few bruises you have and other nasty cuts on your head, and the sand on the beach absorbed the impact of your fall.”

“You’re a lucky bastard. Do you know that?” Ron laughed. “Good thing that only a little bit of your pretty face got messed up, we need those charming good looks to sell records!” Reaching forward, he put his hand on my head and ruffled up my already messed up hair. 

I listened to his words and desperately tried to make sense of it all. A music video? For the band? For Starset? I was back in the past, before any of the trouble started, right where I wanted to be. The band was together, Brock was alive, and that meant Benjamin was too! Tears started to well up in my eyes. I had been given a second chance. I did not have a clue how it happened, or even why, but here I was, surrounded by the people that I loved and adored the most, and was given another shot at correcting the mistakes that I had once made. I couldn’t possibly be any happier. This is what I wanted all along. I was going to be okay. I was overcome with emotion and lowered my head, trying to shield my eyes from the guys. Brock came over and slid his arm around my back, it felt warm and wonderful. I leaned against him and enjoyed the warmth of his body. 

“Dustin? Are you alright?” Ron asked. 

I shook my head and took a moment to calm down. “Yes Ron. For the first time in my entire life, I am going to be alright, everything is going to be alright.”

He gave me a curious look but followed it up with a smile. Adam stepped away from the wall and came to stand near the foot of the bed now. “We should go; we need to take care of some stuff.” I glanced up at him with a desperate look; I didn’t want them to go. I needed them to all stay here with me, to be sure that this was not another dream, but I remained silent. I leaned in closer to Brock, into his thin body, taking in the scent from his well-worn and faded hoodie, wanting to totally disappear into him. 

Ron noticed my pleading look and turned to Adam. “We got all night man, what’s your rush?” 

“Aren’t you forgetting something? We were in the middle of a video shoot. We just dropped everything and left, they are going to expect us to check in with them and let them know Dustin’s status. The shoot will need to be canceled. I care for him as much as you do, Ron, but this is also our livelihood. We can’t keep these people waiting on us to finish this video. It will cost more than we have to keep them on standby. We need to go back and send them all home, tell them to come back… maybe in a few weeks when he’s better.” Adam looked at me, almost as if waiting for my approval. I was always the one to make decisions for the band; it irked me slightly that he was standing right in front of me barking out orders. He was clearly stepping on my toes, almost challenging me. I thought it an odd thing to do, considering where we were, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“Brock, give Adam your cell phone.” Doing as I asked, Brock slipped his hand into a pocket and withdrew his phone, I knew he’d have it; he liked to play final fantasy in his downtime on it. Tossing it over, Adam caught it and looked at me questioningly. “Call the label Rep. Tell them that we will be back on the video shoot first thing tomorrow, as scheduled. No interruptions.”

The tension in the room was thick. No one spoke, except for Brock. “Dustin, you should….”

“Get some rest?” I cut him off and finished his sentence as his soft brown eyes fell on me with worry. “No. I’ve sat back and let fate fuck with me for too long. We’re going to do what we set out to do and that is spread the Message through music. I am not broken. None of us are.” I glanced casually at Brock. “I have all of you here; this is all I need to heal. Let’s do this.”

I looked around the room, trying to read each one of their faces. Ron looked proud and pleased. His love and desire was music. It moved him when he was on stage, he absorbed it when he was on, taking the melodies into himself and sending out incredible energy back into the audience every single night. I could ask for a more devoted and trustworthy friend. Brock had the usual soft, casual expression on his face that I had come to know and love. I still couldn’t believe that he was here with me. My mind went back to the day when he first confessed his feelings and told me that he loved me. Having kept his emotions bottled up for so long, silent and unspoken had to be killing him inside and it crushed my heart to know that he was suffering for so long. Now was my chance, to make things right. Then there was Adam, still standing at the foot of the bed, holding Brock’s phone in his hand and giving me a look of extreme caution. My relationship with him had always been a friendly, casual one, and we never seemed to make the connection between being friends and close friends. I thought about the past, and how he reacted after Brock went missing, hitting me with rage and anger, the likes of which I had never seen before. This part of him frightened me. I only wished that I knew a way to connect with him on a more personal level, to make him understand and see things the way that I did. The other guys did, why did he have to be so persistent and not conform? Our eyes met, locked for a moment and then he nodded, “Whatever you want, Dustin.” 

I gave him a reassuring smile and the tension in the air seemed to clear up a bit. Everyone relaxed and we talked about the most important thing in our lives, music. It felt good. All the sins of the past had been washed away somehow, and replaced with a bright, wonderful, new future. A future in which I now had control over. Whatever happened to bring me to this point, I chose not to question. This was my reality now, the one that I dreamed of, longed for and wanted more than anything. Having been through so much loss, I felt as though I deserved this moment of levity and peace. I lost too much when I lost control of my life, and now I was given the opportunity to make things right. 

The four of us talked until the announcement came over the speakers that visiting hours were over. After the voice announced that that visitors had to leave in 5 minutes, a hush fell over my room. None of us wanted it to end, but we knew it had to. There was a soft knock on the door, and I knew it would be the rude charge nurse coming in to chase them all out. The door swung open and my eyes fell upon a very attractive blond woman dressed casually in blue jeans and a Starset tank top. Clearly, not the nurse at all. She flashed me a smile and then made her way through the room and approached Brock. I had a sudden, sinking feeling. Standing on her toes, she leaned up and placed a quick kiss on his lips and then reached for his hand, locking their fingers together. I felt sick. He put his other arm around her waist and I had to look away. I couldn’t take it, my heart was aching, and all the air in my lungs had suddenly been sucked out, leaving tar in its place. Brock had a girlfriend.

“Dustin, how are you feeling? WE were so worried about you. I think Brock wore out his new pair of shoes pacing that hallway down there waiting for news!” She chimed in. I didn’t want to speak to her at all. I wanted her to stop speaking, I wanted her to stop touching him, I wanted her to leave. 

Before I could respond, a voice came over the PA system again, reminding visitors that they needed to leave and Ron got up, gesturing toward the door. “Well I think it’s about time that we all let you get some rest. I’ll drop by in the morning to check on you okay Dustin?”

I nodded, not saying a word. I didn’t even look up at them. Adam and Ron headed out, while Brock and the blond stayed behind for a moment. He stood by the side of my bed, hesitating for a moment. I still could not bear to look at him, I didn’t want to see those beautiful eyes right now, fearing that my heart would break. He looked at the girl at his side, “Hey love, could you leave us alone for a moment?” I focused my eyes on the drips of liquid sliding down the IV bag. Even the sound of his voice was heartbreaking. 

“Sure Brock, I will right outside waiting for you.” He leaned down and kissed the top of her head and started moving away, stopping at the edge of my bed for a moment. “Glad to see you are okay Dustin. You had everyone worried so much. You’ve been friends for so long, I don’t know what Brock would do without you.” Sensing that I didn’t acknowledge her, she looked from me to Brock and then followed the boys out into the hallway without another word. 

Brock took his hoodie off and laid it down at the foot of my bed, coming to sit next to me. What felt warm and welcoming before now was awkward and uncomfortable. “I know you’ve wanted to say something to me since I walked in the room Dustin, I could feel your eyes on me, and you’re not a hard person to read at all. Please tell me what’s on your mind.” His voice was so gentle and tender, there wasn’t a single bit of hate or animosity in it at all. I loved how good-natured he was. 

A few moments ago, I didn’t want Brock to leave, and now all I wanted was for him to go. He was putting me in an uncomfortable situation, and he knew it. I knew his intentions were good; he was genuinely concerned with me, which is more reason why it hurt even more. I tried my best to be cautious about my words and make them as vague as I could. “I was just surprised to see you, that’s all.” I pointed to the lacerations on my temples from the trees. “I got bumped on the head, my thinking is a bit off, and it’s nothing, really.” Now I knew how he felt, all these years of having feelings for me and not saying a word. The roles were reversed now. He watched me through all those shows, through all my failed relationships, watching me slowly fall apart, so desperately wanting to be part of my life but was afraid to say the words to make it happen, for fear of being rejected, and now that is exactly where I was now, afraid to tell him that I loved him, needed him, wanted him. I wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to destroy what he had now to satisfy my own selfish desires. I had been down that road once before and it resulted in disastrous consequences. 

“Why surprised? You fell off a cliff, Dustin. You’d be insane to think I wouldn’t come with the others to find out if you were alright. You’re not a meal ticket to me, or just a band mate, you are my friend. A friend who I care about so much that I’d glad die for if needed.” I shuddered at his words. He knew exactly what to say to trigger emotions deep inside of me, there was no doubt about that. “No, there’s something else that you’re not telling me, and when Lacie walked in the door, your aura changed completely. I’ve never felt a shift in you like that before that sudden. It’s like you flipped a switch and suddenly shut down. I am trying to figure out what the cause was. I want to know what’s going on.”

My heart screamed out, pounding against my chest. I fidgeted with the plastic tubing of the IV that wound itself around my arm. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words that came out sounded plagiarized and not quite my own. “Have you ever wanted something so badly that every part of your being yearns for it? Your life doesn’t feel quite right without it, and you would be willing to do whatever it takes to attain it? It’s sort of like that…” I realized that the words I was speaking could have easily belonged to Benjamin and the thought of that made me shudder. This wasn’t me, this was him. How much had Ben changed me to come to think this way? Knowing that the tables were now turned made me feel uneasy. I wasn’t used to being in this position. 

Brock moved down slightly on the bed, and pulled me close to him. His body was so slim and slender; it fit right next to mine. I relaxed a little and rested my head against his chest. Oh god, I could hear his heart beating, it was so strong, so perfect. I stopped that heart beating with my own cold hands, and now it was alive again, youthful and full of life. My beautiful Brock. “Yes, I’ve had feelings like that before… go on.”

I dropped the plastic tubing from my hand and slid my arm around his waist. He didn’t move. I held on for life, mine and his. I could do this, I had to. I needed him to know that I was sorry, and I loved him. The tiny bubbles in the IV line neatly swirled as they made their way down into the needle, which I watched in fascination. “I’ve been through so much Brock. Much more than you could ever know. I feel like there is some sort of cosmic force preventing me from finding happiness. The moment I think things are going to be okay, that’s when something happens and I start to feel it all slipping away. No matter how hard I try to hang on, I end up losing my grip and letting it come crashing down to the ground. I hate having to choose, I hate making the wrong choice. I am tired of having the things I love, the people I love being ripped away from me. I want you with me, in my life, part of my life, at my side, forever.” I looked up and met his eyes, feeling tears forming in the corners of my own. He had to know that I loved him now, my words made it blatantly obvious. How else could I tell him that I loved him without actually saying the words?

Brock reached down and wiped the dampness from my eyes with a delicate, smooth movement, with an impossible lightness that could of only been achieved by one who has played guitar for countless years. He knew how much pressure to put on those fingers to make his touch intricate and super fine, or if he was so inclined, make each touch strong, hard and firm. He possessed a very subdued attraction, quiet and calming, which only drew me to him even more. “Dustin, I am not going anywhere, I love you.” He placed a hand alongside my face and stroked his thumb over my cheek, his touch was so fine. A wave of relief washed over me. It felt like all my fears and concerns were being wiped away with the stroke of his elegant fingers. I knew that he would understand. Nothing could come between us, we were destined to be together. I knew it the moment he confessed his love for me. He was willing to stand up to Ben for me, and risk his own life. I closed my eyes for a moment and let his words sink in, easing my worn out soul, then he started to speak again. “You are like a brother to me… Adam, and Ron, they love you too. We’ve been at your side from the very beginning and we’re going to be here with you until you tell us it’s over. We won’t ever leave you, Dustin.”

His words hit me worse than any physical blow. I turned away from him and looked out the window again, barely listening as he continued. I was suddenly lost, my world collapsing. “Every night when you go out there on the stage, you’re never alone. We’re right there next to you, watching over you, never letting you fall. You came to us when your life was at the lowest and asked us to help you. I saw something in your eyes back then, the same thing that I see now, which is a look of passionate desperation. You put yourself out there, your heart on your sleeve letting the world bear witness to your darkest desires and dreams, hoping that you can connect to someone, somehow. No one else can do this like you. You’re taking a chance every single time you write your thoughts down on paper, every time you pick up that microphone, and we’re going to make sure that we take care of you, because we love you so much for what you do, and the person you are.”

Almost as if on cue, it started to rain outside. The small droplets of water began to bead up on the window and I watched them collect and start to slide down in small rivers onto the window sill. I didn’t know what to say to him, and we sat in silence. My stomach churned. I closed my eyes, I didn’t want to see the rain, and I didn’t want to see him. Minutes passed, the only sound in the room came from his breath moving through his lungs. I heard the door open, but didn’t bother to move. Ron spoke softly. “Hey Brock, they are kicking us out now. Is he asleep?”

Brock shifted slightly, looking down at me. “Yeah I think so. I’m glad. He really needs it.” Gently, Brock slipped out from under me and pulled the blankets up over my body. He was as gentle as a mother putting her child to bed. I heard him start to walk away and then he stopped. “One sec, Ron, I almost forgot something.” 

“Huh?” Ron asked.

I heard the sound of something being placed on the tray next to my bed. “Here you go man; you’re going to need these.” Quietly, the both left the room and I opened my eyes. I thought that I was going to be a whole person, but here at the end of the day, I turned out to be just another broken man again. I rolled over and looked at the tray, and caught sight of what Brock had left me. A pair of black plastic rimmed glasses, not Doctor Wise’s glasses, but my own. My glasses. I slipped further down into the blankets and noticed that Brock had left his hoodie behind. I snatched it up and clutched it tightly to my chest. I thought I had a brand new life, I thought I had it all, I thought I had him. Benjamin told me that it was possible to start over again, begin a new life, if I just let the other one fade away. It was all nothing more than a fucking lie. I hurt Brock badly before, and now fate was making me pay for it over and over again. I committed the worse crime a person ever could, and could never be forgiven for it. I took a chance and it was a mistake. Bringing the hoodie up to my face, I inhaled deeply, wanting to breathe in the scent from his skin, but then I immediately dropped it onto the floor. It smelled like her. Rolling over, I stared out at the pitch black darkness outside the window until I fell into a dreamless sleep. 

The next morning, Ron came to the hospital early and sat with me as the doctor went over some tests that were run and my discharge instructions. He made very sure that I was completely cleared to be released, even against my own words reassuring him that I was okay. The truth was that I wasn’t okay, my heart hurt and my head wouldn’t allow me to stop thinking about Brock. I couldn’t help it. After getting the IV removed, I went into the bathroom and took a much needed shower, and thought about the day. I knew that I should have never agreed to continue with the video project, I didn’t realize fully what I was getting into, but I wanted to show them that I could do it. I didn’t want them to ever doubt me again. I’d make it through, one way or another. My feelings for him didn’t change simply because he was with another person; it just meant that I couldn’t act on them. I resigned myself to remain silent, and give myself some time to think. I loved Brock and I suspected that deep down inside, part of him loved me too; he had to, our souls were bonded together, Benjamin told me that. So much had happened to me over the last few months, that getting close to another person at this time might be dangerous, so I would choose to bide my time and let things happen. 

Ron tapped on the door and left a fresh set of clothing on the sink for me. I thanked him and heard him shut the door then stepped outside into the hazy, fog filled bathroom, pausing to reach up and wipe off the mirror to stare at my face. Dustin Bates, the front man of the cinematic rock band, Starset stared back at me. I had to be this person once again; I had to stand in front of screaming fans and sing my feelings out to them again, night after night. I wasn’t sure I was quite ready for this. Looking down to the clothing that Ron had brought me for the video shoot, I couldn’t help but to laugh. Same black pants, same white shirt, and same black bow tie. Put on the uniform and become Dustin Bates again, that’s what they all expected. This is what I had to do, I had no other choice. Let them look up at you, cheering and screaming your name, let them touch you when you go near the crowd and let them believe that you are singing directly to them. Make them feel like they are all understood, that they have someone there sharing the same feelings and emotions with for a short time, until the lights come up and the hall empties out, then go back to your tour bus, drive all night in darkness, hiding your face so that they don’t see you crying from the loneliness. 

A knock on the door startled me out of my thoughts. I quickly threw the clothes on and pulled it open. Ron was on the other side, smiling at me. “Thought you might need these.” He handed me my glasses and at first I looked at them as though he were handing me a white hot piece of coal. This was the last piece that completed Dustin Bates. It was the secret identity that separated the man on the stage from the man with the broken heart, I could never let them see that they were the same person. Never let anyone get too close. The cardinal rule. 

“Thanks man, I appreciate it.” I said, moving past him and out into the hospital room to gather things up, hoping he wouldn’t pick up the slightly annoyed tone in my voice. 

As I shoved things into my bag, Ron paced the floor a little. “Hey, um.. I hate to bring this up, but I think it needs to be discussed before we head out to the video shoot. I noticed something last night that didn’t sit quite well with me, and the other guys noticed it too.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?” I feigned innocence. What had Brock told them? 

“This whole butting heads with Adam. He’s basically a good guy, and you know that he’s doing his best to try and make you proud of him. The band is as important to him as it is to you. You two are both on the same path with it, but you keep trying to shove one another off.” He ran his fingers through his blond hair and messed it up. “What I am basically trying to say is, um.. Can you try to work a little more with him? Maybe just give him a nod of support every now and then instead of shooting him down?” 

I was impressed with Ron at that moment. He was always rather quiet, choosing his battles carefully and always choosing to avoid confrontation when he could. I have seen him walk away from potential fights, even though he was in the right, just so that he didn’t have to deal with it. So him coming to me was sort of a big deal. I gripped him on the shoulder and gave him a reassuring pat. “Don’t worry about Adam and I. He’s the furthest thing from my mind right now.”

“Good. Glad to hear that.” Ron reached in front of me and grabbed my bag, handing me my glasses again, which I sheepishly took from him, there was no way of avoiding it now. Put them on, be Dustin again, for better or worse. 

“Now let’s go finish that video!” I smiled and followed him out, my head and my heart going in two different directions. 

The drive to the beach was a familiar one; I knew all the landmarks, the roads, everything about the area. We chose the beach house as our group home because it was on the oceanfront, ideal for writing, recording in the basement studio and an occasional party. The rain from the previous night had left everything damp, and there were thick ominous clouds looming over head that threatened to produce more rain at any point. A very fine, light mist of rain shrouded everything and chilled everyone to the bone, but for the most part, everyone was in a good mood. The house was filled with the tech crew, family and friends, all hanging out watching the production of the video. As I entered, I felt all their eyes on me, but a friendly, fake wave and smile quickly reassured them all that I acknowledged their presence and was okay. Adam and Brock were all dressed in their flight suits and getting their instruments ready in a group in a corner of the room, and after asking if I was fine with being left alone once more, Ron went over and joined them. I made my way around the room, saying hello and greeting a few friends, but it was too confined and stuffy for me in there, so I waded through the groups to my personal retreat, the deck outside that overlooked the ocean. I’d often sit out there with a guitar, and become lost in the music for hours. Music was the only thing that never turned me away, disappointed or depressed me. 

Pulling the glass door open which led outside, I was immediately hit in the face with a blast of cool air. It was welcomed. I sat down on one of the chairs and looked down the beach, watching the birds dive into the high waves after fish, and the occasional dog walker out for a casual stroll. This felt like home, as no other place else did. I could learn to love it again, get back into writing, maybe another tour. Even though I didn’t have Brock, I still had my music, and no one could take that away from me. The door behind me opened, startling me slightly and Ron came out. “Damn man, it’s cold out here. Looks like we’re going to be freezing our balls off outside today.”

I gave him a serious look. “Well that would be a problem IF you had any.” I joked.

Ron looked at me, shocked at my attempt at humor and then bust out laughing. “You’re an asshole, Dustin.”

I leaned back in my chair, glad that the ice had been broken. “That’s what everyone tells me.” I smiled.

“Yeah, so other than coming out here to have my balls, or lack thereof freeze off, I came out to tell you that you have a visitor, want to come inside?” he asked, gesturing at the door. 

I turned around and saw the crowd of people still mulling about. “No, that’s alright, it’s a bit to packed in there for me to feel comfortable. Who is it anyway, can you send them outside?”

“I am not telling you, wait and see. You’re going to get a kick out of this! It will make your day!” With a grin, Ron went back into the house and I waited, alone on the deck, curious and a little impatient. A few minutes passed and then the door finally opened up. Standing in front of me was Benjamin Burnley. He was dressed entirely in black, from head to foot, wearing a black baseball cap, black shirt and hoodie, with comfortable black jeans and glasses. He could blend into any crowd easily. My jaw dropped and stared in disbelief. 

“Hey Dustin.” He smiled and held out his hand for me. I couldn’t tear my eyes off of him. I reached out and took his hand for a friendly handshake, which he then used to pull me into a hug, giving me a pat on the back. I was shaking. I convinced myself it was because of the cold. “It’s good to see you, buddy. How’s things been going with you?” he asked, flashing me a warm smile. I struggled for words; I couldn’t believe that he was standing here in front of me. All the memories from the past that never happened, all the memories from the future that never will happen came flooding back into my head all at once. All those feelings and emotions, laced with grief and sorrow, heartbreak and anguish washed over me. Here, standing in front of me was the man that caused me to lose my mind, slip out of control and do unspeakable things. Beneath all the hurt and anger was also the man that showed me what it was like to truly love, and be loved. He and I were two broken twisted souls that always managed to find their way back to one another. I felt so alone in this world, but now with this man standing here in front of me, I knew that I would never be alone. Ben was here, I could deal with anything. 

I reluctantly slipped out of his embrace and looked away from him for a second, hoping that he wouldn’t see the flush of color that I felt spreading across my face. Pushing my glasses back up onto the bridge of my nose, I tried to act as casual as I could. “Good, things are going pretty well for us now. I ugh.. “ I found myself stumbling over words. How could I answer a question that I really had no answer for? One day ago, I was on a futuristic planet fighting a rebellion, Ben was blind and possibly kidnapped and there was a madman on the loose, and now I was here, back where I was supposed to be, plunged right back into a ‘normal’ life again. It all seemed so surreal. I decided to stick with facts that I knew. “We’re shooting a video for our new album.” I blurted out, and then I realized it was sort of a stupid, obvious statement, judging from the video crew hanging around. 

Ben laughed. “I can see that.” He casually moved across the deck to lean against the far rail, looking as magnificent as ever. The door opened and Ron popped in for a moment, half dressed in his flight suit and handed Ben a can of beer and then left as quickly as he arrived, not saying a word. Popping it open, Ben smiled. “Good boys you have there, they got some mad skills and are really devoted to you. Hang onto them for as long as you can.”

As he spoke, I looked through the window and my eyes focused on Brock and his girlfriend, he was sitting on a stool, casually fiddling with his guitar while she stood at his side, talking to Adam and laughing. They looked happy together. Part of me wished that I could have a life like that, but I knew it probably wouldn’t be in the cards for me. The music is what was important to me, nothing else. “Yeah they are good guys. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.” I looked back over to Ben, who had already finished his beer and was watching me with interest. I gazed into his beautiful gray green eyes, remembering horrible wounds that Thomas had inflicted upon him and shuddered. I remembered the feeling of anguish finding Ben’s bloody bandage laying on the floor and realizing that he was missing. It felt like part of my heart was gone. I wanted to reach out, take hold of his hand and bring him into the warmth of the house, into my room where we could be alone and kiss that handsome face, run my fingers over his cold skin and hold him in my arms until we fell asleep. I so desperately wanted… no.. Needed to be near him again. He had this unmistakable, irresistible attraction that dropped all my defenses every time that I saw him. I hated and loved him for it. 

Ben motioned toward the beach. “Want to go for a walk with me quick?”

I almost jumped off the rail ahead of him, but I forced myself to hold back, not wanting to appear to be anxious. “I guess that would be okay, they are still preparing for the shoot and…”

Before I could finish my sentence, he was already down off the steps and heading out towards the water. I hurried after him like a puppy. As we walked, he looked out to the horizon and spoke quietly. “I am glad that you guys are finally getting the recognition that you deserve. People are listening to your words and understanding the true meaning behind them, you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished so far.”

I glanced over to him as we walked, the soft, damp sand absorbing every footstep. “I can only write about things, thoughts and emotions that I’ve experienced.” We stopped near the edge of the water, and watched the waves roll in. “And sometimes, these feelings are too much for me to deal with, so I find that if I hang them on notes in a song, I can say things, make confessions and not have it all bottled up inside of me.” I stopped and suddenly realized that I had just taken a casual conversation and turned it inward and darker, and instantly regretted it. I looked over at him, seeing the dim glow of the sun reflecting on his unusually pale skin. I could just make out faint, dark circles under his eyes and an unusually strange, almost defeated aura hung around him now. Silently I wondered if I had said something to upset him. “But uh… this new album is doing fairly well. I am proud of it; I put a lot of myself in it.”

“You should come on tour with us.” He said, finally managing to tear his gaze away from the water. There was something there, distracting him. “I like your music, and your guys are great to hang out with, we’d put on a killer show.” 

I hesitated a bit, in another life we did tour together, with disastrous results. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to put myself through that again. The wind picked up a little and I shivered, wishing I had brought a jacket out with me and glanced over at Ben, who was looking at me, expecting a response. I sighed. This wasn’t the same person I had known before, this wasn’t the demon or whatever he was who was out to take souls and ruin lives. This was the real Benjamin Burnley, a human, just like me, with all the same hopes and dreams, faults and failures. A man, standing on a beach in the middle of nowhere, is asking me to travel the world with him, at his side, sharing our music with thousands. How could I ever consider saying no? I nodded to him. “Yeah I think that would be a great idea. I’d love to!”

Ben extended his hand to me again, and I reached forward to shake it. “Then it’s a deal.” He said. I took hold of his hand again, sealing the deal. It reminded me of our first encounter back in the hotel room, so long ago when I willingly handed my soul over to him. I never considered what I had done to be a mistake. I needed to go through all that pain and suffering to know what joy and happiness was truly like. It was a necessary evil to get me to the place where I needed to be inside of my head. I was starting to realize that part of living is dealing with things that you cannot control and making the best of them. Mentally, I was not prepared for the feelings that Benjamin brought to the surface and forced me to confront. I was a frightened and confused child, choosing to pull the blankets over my head when faced with something new and retreat into myself. I created the Monster inside of myself to be strong and defeat these unknown emotions before they could rise to the surface, and all the while, I was losing who I was in the process. I was ready now. I could do this. I gained strength and courage to stand next to him every night with confidence. 

He did not pull me into a hug this time, as we shook hands, but instead, as I gripped his left hand in our handshake, he put his right hand over mine and I felt the coolness from his skin on mine, and that all too familiar rush of excitement wash over me again. My heart started to beat fast, and I no longer felt the coolness of the early morning air. I wanted to pull away, but he held me firmly in his grasp. Towering over me, he seemed unusually tall and imposing, the defeated and depressed aura now faded away to nothingness. This was the Benjamin that I could never resist. I recalled the feeling of possession that came over me that night as he took control of both my body and mind, and wanted it again. Everything left my mind but the endless desire and need for him to fill me, fix me, make me whole and complete, and he did. Mentally, I scolded myself, as the thought of him pushing me down onto the sand right here on the beach filled my head. I shouldn’t be thinking such things, I knew better of it. I didn’t know this Ben, he was nothing more than a stranger to me, but the touch of those fingers.. I knew what they could do, and I wanted them to do it. I didn’t care who could see. Let them talk; just let me be locked in those arms right now. I needed it. He looked me right in the eyes and I found myself sinking. It was almost as if the waves of water were slowly crashing around me, dragging me out to sea. I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of my own heart beating, and the soft, gentle tone of his voice. He leaned in close to me, not nearly as close as I wanted, but enough that I was able to pick up the scent of the beer he had drank lingering on his breath, and the sweet, faint smell of spice from his skin. It took every bit of willpower that I had not to reach up and place my hands on that strong, broad chest. “Dustin, I need to tell you something.” He said, in his deep, low, baritone voice. 

I forced myself to keep breathing; he was taking the breath right out of my lungs with his nearness. I was aware that he was still holding onto my hand with both of his. I didn’t know what to do. Instinct told me to relax and let it take its course, give into the magnificent man standing in front of me, surrender myself to him completely and drown in the cold waves together. My body started to react to him, and I was now sweating and shaking as my eyes focused on his lips. I wanted to taste them, to run my tongue over them and taste the alcohol that lingered on them as he embraced me. I wasn’t thinking of the video shoot, all I could think about was him. I was prepared to fall to my knees in front of him and let the freezing water wash over us as I kissed every single inch of him, take all him in and submit to his every last desire. This was my will to please him. Just looking into his eyes made me weak, and I fought to keep the little strength I had left to keep my knees from buckling underneath me. I didn’t know how or why this was happening to me; all I knew is that I belonged in his arms. We were meant to be together, in any lifetime, I wanted to be his. I listened to his words and tried to keep my lustful thoughts out of my head. Not quite knowing what to do, I reached up and put my other hand on top of his, wanting to touch more of his skin, any inch that I could, but afraid to. I wanted to peel away the layers of his clothing and feel the cold water wash over his skin. My fingers moved across something cold and metal. “Yes Ben? You can tell me anything, what is it? Tell me what you’re thinking of.” All he had to do was say the words and I’d be his again. Those three simple words. Say them so that we can get over this ridiculous hurdle and be one again. 

I waited.

The moments that passed by felt like years before he spoke again. “Dustin... I am...” 

I then realized what my fingertips were touching. He was wearing the wedding ring. My world came to a crashing halt. Just at that moment, I heard the high pitched voice of a small child calling from the beach house. “Daddy! Daddy!” I turned to see a young boy, the one in which I had seen in my nightmare come running down the beach towards us. I instantly knew who he was. The resemblance was obvious. This was Ben’s son. I felt such sorrow at that moment, I just wanted to walk away and never look back. The little boy made it half way down to us, and then stumbled, tripped and fell in the sand. Ben let go of my hands and went over to him and carefully stood him up, brushing him off and speaking to him quietly, in such a soothing tone that I thought I was going to die. I kept staring at him. In my dream, the Monster had placed a visor over the boy’s eyes, and he was screaming. It was a scream that I could still hear echoing in my head even to this day. Ben picked up the little boy and brought him over to me. His eyes… eyes that were covered by the visor, were Ben’s eyes. They were identical. Thomas had blinded Ben on Prox with the visor. Had the dream truly been a premonition all the time?

Ben looked at his son and then pointed at me. “Benjamin, this is Uncle Dustin. He’s going to go on tour with us, what do you think?” 

Hearing the boy’s name, I cringed a little and hoped that Ben didn’t notice. It had to be Benjamin. He was an exact copy of his father, with the soft, seductive eyes, the sharp angular face, and delicate features. I was so stupid to think that Ben would be with me, here or any other place, and knowing that he had a son made things so much worse. A feeling of rage started to creep into me. The only two people in my entire life that I ever felt a connection with now were completely gone. Brock had found someone, even after years of secretly being in love with me, he found the strength to love another person. I suddenly became nauseous with the feeling that it was entirely possible that Brock had no feelings for me in this life except for friendship, all this time. That other life never existed. It was all made up inside my head. Brock was a band member and a friend, nothing more. Benjamin, oh god… it was the same way with Ben now too. He had his own life here; we were only associates, and musicians here. I was an idiot for thinking otherwise. I was repulsed by the idea of how I had been feeling towards him moments earlier. I was sad and ashamed. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the child; I could still hear him screaming inside my head. His screams mixed with Ben’s screams as Thomas ripped the visor off of him, filling my brain with an intense, extreme agony that I wanted to run into the water and drown, sinking down to the bottom and never coming back out. 

Ben’s son smiled at me and let out a giggle. I couldn’t take it. I had to leave. Looking down, I turned away quickly. “I have to go; they will be waiting for me.” I moved away from him and Ben reached forward, grabbing my wrist tightly. 

“Dustin, wait... We’re not done yet, we need to talk.”

Something both terrifying and astonishing happened. I pulled my hand away from him and slipped away from his grasp. In all our time together, I had never been able to pull away from him, not until this moment. I stood still for a moment, realizing that I had just gained something and lost something at the same time. I didn’t like it. I wanted to be permanently tied to him, I didn’t want to run away, but I had to. “I need to go.” I repeated and started back up the beach, my feet carrying me as fast as they could. I heard Ben’s son say something but I didn’t care. That wasn’t my life, everything back there at the water’s edge that was Ben’s life, not mine. I could never be part of that. I walked quickly, with purpose. I wanted to get back to the house and away from him as fast as my feet could take me. I felt sick, and knew that I was going to be vomiting. Half way up the beach, I was aware of someone walking towards me. I looked up and saw a very attractive woman heading down towards me. 

As she approached me, she asked “Um excuse me, have you seen a little boy run this way? I told him where Daddy was and he just took off down the beach, there’s no stopping him when he has his mind set on something.”

I choked back a mouthful of bile and pointed behind me not even bothering to stop. “Your husband and son are down there.” I brushed past her as she said something to me and hurried to the house. Ron and Adam were out on the deck by the time I reached it and stared at me as I blew by them and yanked the door open to go inside. There were still a lot of people hanging around, but this time I didn’t care. I made my way over to the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Unscrewing the cap, I tossed the piece of plastic against the wall with great force that it ricochet off and landed somewhere else in the room. I took a long, refreshing drink of the harsh liquid, letting it burn my throat as it made its way down. I wiped my lips off with the sleeve of my shirt and noticed Brock walking up to me. I wasn’t prepared to deal with him, so I took another drink and waited for the numbness to kick in. He stood next to me and leaned against the wood bar, cupping his hands together and not saying a word.

I turned and snapped at him. “WHAT?” 

Brock shrugged. “I was just wondering if you were ready for the video shoot, no need to get upset.” He gave me one of his soft, concerned looks and it made me want to punch him. He had no right to look at me like that, not anymore.

The whiskey was already starting to take effect on me and my usual calm demeanor was slipping away. “I don’t give a shit about the video shoot, or this band, or you anymore. So you can just fuck off.” 

He frowned and slid the bottle away from me. “Dustin, this isn’t you talking, and you know it. I know you’re going through some personal stuff right now, but you can’t let it get the better of you. You’re a stronger person than this. Whatever it is, you can deal with it… WE can deal with it; just don’t shut down on us okay? “He reached out and placed his hand over mine and I instantly pulled away. His touch was like fire on my skin. 

The rage inside of me was eating away at me. I wanted everything to go away. “Don’t be condescending to me Brock. You have no idea what’s going on, and I am not going to get into it with you. All the shit I’ve been through and am STILL going through, you will never understand. I’ve seen and done things that I was told I could be forgiven for, and it was all a lie. I placed trust and faith in people that turned around and used it all against me. I am tired of being a victim, over and over again. I wish that the fall yesterday would have killed me. I am so done with this life and every other one too. There’s nothing left for me.”

Brock sighed and walked away. I was surprised that he actually listened to me. I suddenly felt bad for lashing out at him. I loved the guy, he was so sweet and innocent, and he didn’t deserve to be talked to like that when all he was trying to do was help. He returned several minutes later and approached me at the bar, slamming a book down in front of me. I glanced at the cover. The title was ‘The Prox Transmissions’ I stared at it in wonder. I was listed as the author. “What’s this?” I asked, looking at it as if he placed a severed head on the table in front of me. 

Brock jabbed a finger into the cover a few times and then slid it over to me. “THIS! THIS is why you are here, Dustin. Not because of me, or Ron or Adam… or anyone or anything else. This is your creation, your story. Thomas Bell, Dr. Wise, the F.E.C., Prox, the signal sent from the future back to us here in the past, these aren’t words on a page! You’ve created this Message and put every bit of who you are into educating the public and sending the signal through your music. In these pages you’ve made us believe that even though there are struggles and failures in life, we can rise above all of them, if we stand together!” He gestured at the people behind us in the room. “See all these people here? These are all the ones who’ve heard your Message and believed in it. They are all here for you, you are not alone, and you’ve never been.”

I gingerly picked up the book and rifled through the pages with shaking hands. It was all there, every person from Prox was written on those pages of recycled paper. Everything was here, in black and white. What was this book? Had I really written it? My gaze fell over those words and I knew that they were my own, incredibly…they belonged to me. I felt a little lightheaded and sick, but fought to keep myself in control. I glanced up from the pages to Brock, suddenly feeling very guilty for my outburst. “Brock, hey… I am sorry. I got a little… overwhelmed.” I tried my best to make my words sound sincere. They weren’t lies. I did get overwhelmed, seeing Benjamin with his family. It was something I was unprepared for, after realizing that the other person I loved, didn’t love me as well. Too much, too soon. 

Smiling at me, Brock took a deep breath and sat back down at the bar. “It’s okay, it happens. I want you to know that you are important to us, Dustin. We don’t want you ever leaving us, do you understand?”

I still kept my eyes on the book and flipped through the pages. As my eyes scanned over it and I half listened to Brock, I noticed that the last encounter with Thomas and his escape was written in it. I flipped through another page, and there was more including information about the visor. I thumbed through even more pages still and my eyes widened, falling upon a passage on how the effects of the visor could be reversed. I clutched the book with shaking hands. This was the information that I needed. 

“Hey!” I felt Brock nudge my arm. “Are you buzzed from drinking all that booze or are you just ignoring me now Dustin? I asked you a question.”

I was so totally engrossed in the book; I had somehow tuned him out. I thought back to the last words that he said. “Oh yeah, I’m sorry Brock. I was completely out of line there. I understand and get what you’re saying.”

He gave me a serious look. “That’s not what I asked you. See, you really weren’t paying attention.” He reached out and took the book away from me. I frowned. I needed that. I had to know what else was contained in those pages. “I don’t know why you’re so interested in this all of a sudden, you wrote it.” He paused for a moment and I looked around, noticing that most of the crew had left the house and was heading out to the location. We would have to leave soon as well. I had to get that book back, I needed to know. That book had all the answers in it that the Messengers needed. If they were real. It was all so confusing now, but I knew that either way, whether they be just a figment of my imagination or not, I had to know the answers to the questions for closure. That book could also tell me what happened to Benjamin, and what Thomas plans were. Brock started again, “I asked you if Ben talked to you. I saw you two down there on the beach, and you came back pretty upset. Did he tell you?”

I let out a sigh and ran my fingers through my hair. I didn’t want to think about Ben and his family, simply because I couldn’t seem to control my emotions when it came to him. It was an open, festering wound that I just wanted to leave alone. “He didn’t have to tell me anything.” At that moment, I wished that Brock hadn’t taken the bottle away from me; one more drink would have been perfect. “I saw it for myself, and I agreed to tour with him.”

“You’re going to be okay with it?” Brock asked, staring at me. I could tell that he was trying to read me, he really didn’t have to. I was an open book when it came to Ben, but still I tried my best to hide my emotions. 

“It’s certainly going to be a bit of adjustment, but I am sure we can work through it. Like you said, we’re all in it to spread the Message and send the signal.” I replied. 

The director of the video was signaling for us that it was time to go, and everyone cleared out, except for Brock and I. I took a moment to adjust my bow tie and he grabbed his guitar. He stopped me as we neared the door. “I wanted to make sure that since you and Ben are so close… if something happens to him while we’re abroad; you’ve got to be prepared for it. We need you to hold it together, for everyone’s sake.”

I paused, standing behind him as he reached for the door handle. “Wait... What do you mean ‘should something happen to him?'” I asked, suddenly confused. “What could possibly happen to him?”

“Isn’t that what you guys talked about down on the beach?” Brock slung the guitar over his back. “Dustin, Ben’s dying.” He could of slapped me right then and there and I wouldn’t of felt it. My whole body went cold. “Oh you didn’t know.” Brock reached out and touched my arm. “I am so sorry, I thought he told you. Dustin… are you okay? Come on, say something.”

I shook my head, “I am fine, I just need a moment, can you please leave me, Brock?”

“Yeah sure, but if you’re not down on the beach in 5 minutes, I am sending Ron up here after you, I don’t think you’re okay.” With those words, he pulled the door open and walked outside, leaving me alone. 

The door went shut and I watched Brock head down the path to the beach where the video shoot was but I was unable to move. Ben was dying? How could this be? Part of me didn’t want to know the details of it all. I thought he was being taken away from me before by a woman, and a child, a family, but now… now, this was something greater than any of that trivial stuff. There was no coming back from death in this life. You only get a certain amount of time here, and all of it was being stolen from him. I was completely furious. I felt like falling to the floor and sobbing, my heart was shattered once again. I couldn’t take this. I went back to the bar and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that Brock had taken from it and chugged down a few more gulps as a tear ran down my cheek. Ben was finally happy, he had a family now, and just like me, when he was at his most joyful, it was going to all be taken away from him. I gripped the bottle in anger and threw it against the wall. It hit with such force that it instantly exploded and bits of glass went flying everywhere, the liquid inside started running down the wall in streams. “FUCK!” I screamed, just as Ron walked in. 

He looked from me to the mess on the wall. “Dustin, I know this is probably a stupid question, but are you okay?” 

I inhaled, and made my way back through the room, brushing past him and bumping into his shoulder. “Yes! I am fine. Let’s go. I need to do this.”

Ron waited for a few moments, lagging behind in the house after I left, and then whispered to himself. “No, no you’re not.” Sighing to himself he followed me down the beach where the others were setting up. He explained that after the incident yesterday, and the weather conditions getting bad with wind and rain starting, they decided to film on a remote section of beach instead of the cliff, for ‘safety reasons’. The director came over and started going over a few things with me, but I wasn’t listening. I was scanning the crowd, looking for Ben and his family. I wanted to see him again. I looked through the sound crew, the video techs, the record reps and all the random people standing by to watch, my eyes scanning the crowd, desperately looking. Something was eating away at me, telling me to find him as soon as possible. A strange, dull, aching pain started to pound in my head, centered at my temples where the cuts from the fall were, making it a little difficult to concentrate. I realized that maybe leaving the hospital was a bit too hasty, but it was a decision I made and now had to live with. Almost in a state of panic, my eyes went from face to face in the crowd, he just HAD to be here, it was only a matter of finding him. The director started calling for places, and I saw Ron, Brock and Adam make their way to their marks, and knew that I would have to follow suit. Instead of moving into place, I slipped through the back of the crowd and continued my search. My eyes were frantic to catch a sight of his tall frame in all black. Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted something, I could see the dark shape of his clothes, standing out of the way by himself. I called out to him, yelling his name several times, but he didn’t turn around. I started off to go catch up with him, when I felt someone grab my wrist, it was Adam. 

“Come on man, its cold out here and we need to get these final shots to finish the video, we’re all waiting on you, let’s go.” He demanded, rather harshly. 

I slipped out of his grasp and shot him a warning glance. “Just give me a moment, there’s something that I need to go do first.” I looked over to where I had seen Ben, but he was gone now. I pushed my way past Adam and continued to look, but I knew it was a hopeless cause now. He could be anywhere in the crowd. 

“Dustin, we’ve set up all morning, it’s raining can we PLEASE get this over with before we’re caught in a downpour, come on man, I am begging you. It’s always one more moment with you, can you just do this thing right now?” Adam pleaded. 

“Fine let’s go.” I said, and pushed past him. The crew queued up the music and the director showed me my mark, I glanced around and saw Adam climbing onto his drum kit behind me, giving me the stink eye the entire time. I looked over to see Brock dressed in his casual flight gear, his guitar poised and ready for the music playback to start, and met his eyes for a moment, remembering the look on his face that night when he told me that he was going to help Thomas. Utter betrayal. This was not the same man. This was the innocent, sweet Brock that had loved me, and I loved him…. Only it wasn’t. Someone handed me a microphone and the rain started to pour down as the lights turned up and the music started. The director shouted something about just work through it, just get the one last shot and we can all go home. The pounding beat from the bass echoed in my head loudly, and made the pain even worse. As the melody started, I sang along to the per-recorded lyrics as requested.

You're the pulse in my veins  
You're the war that I wage  
Can you change me?  
Can you change me?  
From the monster you made me?  
The monster you made me?

I sang on, the words coming to me like instinct, these were the lyrics that I wrote from another life, the one where the Monster was real. It wasn’t a part of me that I had created to deal with things I couldn’t understand. It wasn’t some genetically altered Carnivore, sent by the F.E.C. to infiltrate and destroy the Messengers. The Monster was only words on a page, pen and ink, nothing more. Here, in this place, I had complete control over my own life. I was Dustin Bates, a man from Columbus Ohio who had a degree in engineering, and a rock band; I wasn’t part of some rebellion on a planet that no one had ever heard of. These were facts that I had to accept. 

I started to sing the next lines of the song, relaxing a bit now and getting my head back in the game. Brock and Ron were perfectically choreographed on both sides of me, playing along to the pre-recorded music. The lights were flashing brilliant colors and a myriad of star shapes over the white sand, giving everything a surreal, almost celestial look to it. I knew that this was my life now, and it everything would be alright. I would find a way to make myself happy. I’d go find Ben, talk to him, tell him everything. I wanted him to know. Almost as if on cue, I saw his tall, dark clothed shape move from the back of the crowd and slowly make his way up through the ranks. It was hard to get a good look at him, through all the lighting and machine created fog, but it made me happy that he was coming to watch. I put a little more effort into what I was doing, and found myself absolutely in love with the melody. If music were to be my only lover now, then I would make sure that I embraced it with all that I had, made it part of myself and showed the world just how much it meant to me. 

This is the world you've created  
The product of what I've become  
My soul and my youth  
Seems it's all for you to use  
If I could take back the moment  
I let you get under my skin

As the music played on, I tried to keep my eye on Ben, but the crowd moved along with him, being caught up in the music and I would lose him from time to time. As I neared the end of the song, and the cameras whirled around us, and Brock and Ron seemed to move away, stepping out of the shot for some reason. Confused, I kept singing as the music kept playing and then I saw two men step forward, dressed in F.E.C. Carnivore gear. My heart stopped. What was this? I looked to my left and right, Brock and Ron were gone, as was Adam. The music still played, growing louder and louder, pounding against my head, making it almost unbearable. The Carnivores approached me, moving past the camera and without warning, pushed me down to the ground, I looked up at them, and to the director of the video, confused and a little frightened. He offered no explanation. Suddenly, I was grabbed by both arms and forced to my knees. The Carnivores each took hold of one arm and held me in place, facing me forward to the crowd. The rain had started coming down in buckets now, soaking everything in sight. I shouted for them to stop. I wasn’t enjoying this, this is not how I wanted my music portrayed, but my only response was one of the Carnivores bending over and punching me in the stomach, knocking my glasses off my face. I reeled over in pain. He really hit me, this wasn’t fake at all. My eyes went to the crowd again and I caught sight of Ben’s dark clothes. I yelled for him, and as I did, the crowd parted, revealing his figure. It wasn’t Ben. It was the monster. Clad in all black the rain had soaked its robes and they were not free flowing and gossamer now, but heavy, thick and clung to it like a death shroud. Its cloaked head surrounded a face that I could never see, but I could feel its gaze on me as it started to move forward and bear down on me. My heart was racing, my mind in a panic... What was going on here? Was this part of the video? If it was, then I did not want to be part of this. This was perverted, disturbed and wrong. I tried to stand up, but was pushed right back down to my knees by the Carnivores, they dug their clawed hands into the flesh of my arms to prevent me from any further resistance very painfully. My knees hit the damp sand and I fell back into the submissive, kneeling position, feeling incredibly helpless. The Monster moved nearer to me, as the music escalated and came to a crashing climax. It came to stop directly in front of me, and titled its head down, looking at me, scrutizing me, picking me apart with its emotionless face. I struggled again, I didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I knew it couldn’t be good; I had to get out of there. The Carnivores held me still and waited patiently. I watched as the Monster reached behind its soaked cloak and brought something out, presenting it to me in full glory. I screamed out, “NO!” There in its misshapen, clawed hands was Thomas’s visor, glowing an ominous orchid color. The water droplets beaded up on it and slid down the LED screen, as lightning now jumped from cloud to cloud in the sky overhead, reflecting on it and making it appear eerie and terrifying. 

I struggled as much as I could, the rain getting into my eyes and stinging, but it was of no use. The Carnivores were brutal in their task to subdue me, faithful as ever to their master. The Monster started extending its arms forward, bringing the visor close to me and I instantly knew what its intent was. Parts of a video shoot or not, I did not want that thing on my face. I tilted my head to the side, trying my best to shield my face from it, but the Carnivore on my right gripped my lower jaw and forcibly turned my head back to face forward, nearly snapping my neck in the process. Bringing it down, I began to see the intricate network of fiber optic cables that ran across the eyepiece display. My vision was clouded as the device was pushed forward and centered on my face, and then the most excruciating pain at my already wounded temples as the needles shot from the side stems of the visor and sliced open my skin once more, penetrating the flesh and making way for the cables to be inserted. It was a hot, searing, burning sensation and I could smell the putrid scent of my skin as the lasers attached and bored their way into my skull. I could barely see the crowd around me, still watching, no one moving or doing anything, nothing but the silent cameras. I screamed out to them, stretched my arm out, begging for help. Nothing. Everything started to dim. I could hear the thunder rolling around me, sense the electricity from the sparks of lightning as they crashed down around me, and feel the water dripping over my skin from the rain. It was a nightmare, I so desparely wanted to wake up from. I began to feel lightheaded and exhausted. My body teetered as I lost control of it. The Carnivores released me from their grasp and I fell over, onto the wet sand, my unblinking eyes staring up. No stars tonight, only dark skies that hang above. My body became unresponsive, I lost all feeling in it, I was helpless and numb. I could still hear the music playing as my world started to fade away. 

Relent or resist  
The Monster always wins…

The Monster stepped away from me, and I watched as it retreated, the tendrils of its long black robe sliding through the puddles of water on the ground, trailing after it like snakes. I was alone now, lying on my back on the beach with my sightless eyes facing up toward the heavens. The visor started making a pacifying hum now as it started the conversion process. All the memories I had, the feelings I had experienced, everything was being accessed and ripped out of my brain. Even though my body was paralyzed, I knew that I was crying. The sensation of tears sliding down out of the corner of my eyes was there, but I couldn’t physically feel it. I fought this once before, I could do it again. I wanted to hold on. I had so much to fight for. I couldn’t let them take me, not again. I felt incredibly sleepy and tired. My brain wanted to shut down, but my eyes refused to shut. I waited patiently for the hallucinations to start, for the visions to take over and force me into a dream like state. I was prepared to fight, but wasn’t sure if I could do it. I had something to fight for before, and now… what did I have now but my music? Would it be enough to keep me from falling away? 

My breathing started to shallow, my pulse slow. I was so worn out and weary. The device scanned further into my head, trying to gain entrance deeper into my memories. I still could think on my own, I still had control over my own thoughts, I was still fighting, but I knew that I was fighting a losing battle. What did I have to live for? Ben was married, he had a family, Brock had a girlfriend, the only two people I loved in the entire world, now taken from me. My music, did anyone really hear it and understand? Were they out there every night, watching me perform on stage and cheering me on because they wanted to enjoy the light show and stage theatrics? Was the Message that we carried on the melodies only mindless drivel to them? I realized that this was how the device gained control of you. It drilled into all the doubts and fears you have locked away so deep inside of your mind and uses them against you like a battering ram, demolishing you from the inside out. I had to keep fighting. For a moment I saw Brock, smiling, laughing, and being his usual cheerful self. I saw him in the shower, his body glistening wet with water and soap, he was waiting. He loved me, and would do anything to prove that love for me, he was the innocence and devotion that I could never have in my life. When we were together, I felt as though I was cared for and comforted. He was the stability and joy that I wanted in my life. I pulled the curtain back, my shaking hand clutching at the thin plastic material and then realized he wasn’t alone, he was there holding his girlfriend in his arms. Her small body was embraced in his strong arms, her head resting on his chest, with such a look of contentment and happiness on it that made me feel ashamed. I turned away. Then in my distorted vision, I saw an image of Benjamin, picking up his son in his arms and looking at him with such pride and devotion that my heart broke. I sobbed uncontrollably. My right arm twitched, I tried to reach out for him, to feel him just one more time, but nothing happened. I saw his son looking at me with those same dark eyes that mirrored his fathers, and I knew that there was nothing left for me. Then they turned and walked away from me, I was devastated. The sun started to set, leaving me in darkness. I did not protest, fight or feel any reason to. I was ready to give in.

“Get up and run, Dustin.” I heard a discernable voice whisper this from somewhere around me. I tried to turn my head and look, but I couldn’t move. Please just let the darkness take me, consume me, devour and digest me until there was nothing left. 

“Run Dustin.” It repeated. I could tell that by the tone, I had to do as it commanded; something awful was going to happen. I struggled to make my feet move. Nothing happened. I was starting to panic.

“RUN!” It shouted, screamed in my ears and I felt a shock hit my body and a brilliant white light surround me. At first I thought I had been hit by lightning, and was waiting for my heart to stop, but instead, I began to feel the wet sand underneath me; I felt the dampness soaking into my skin. I was regaining feeling in my body. The visor responded by sending a jolt of electricity into my head, momentarily blinding me. I reached up, grasping at the edges of the device, I knew I had to get the thing off me as soon as possible, or else I’d lose the opportunity. 

I managed to get my fingers under the arms of it, and with a little pressure, I could feel it loosen. Then I heard the voice again, it was someone I knew! I knew this voice!! Oh my god…it was... “GO NOW”. It commanded and at that moment, I dug in and ripped the visor off my eyes, everything went black for a moment and I toppled over and landed in the sand, face first. 

I waited for a moment for the pain to subside. Feeling was now being restored to my body. I reached out sliding my hand through the sand to pull myself up. Only it wasn’t sand. I was on a leather sofa. I wasn’t on the beach, I was in an office. Ben’s office, back in the Messengers. Reaching up, I gently touched my temples. No cuts or bruises. I turned my head to the side and winced a little and discovered the injection site where Brock had pumped me full of drugs. I was back on Prox. 

Then I heard the voice one last time. “GO NOW!” It shouted in my head and in my ears, piercing my brain and bringing me to my feet. 

The next thing I knew, the door burst open and I was face to face with two fully armed Carnivores.

They found me.


End file.
